Painting Pictures

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my future, and past. I'm still trying to make a decision about grad school, and as I've been mulling over my options, looking at finances, trying to weigh pros and cons, it makes me think a lot about the college that I left behind. I miss it, and my friends, and my professors. I miss the atmosphere, and the camaraderie, and chapel. Houghton will never leave my heart.


But the other day, I was listening to a song.


I don’t want to leave here 

I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this

I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt 
Leaving out what it lacked 
The future seems so hard 
And I want to go back 
But the places that used to fit me 
Cannot hold the things I've learned 
And those roads were closed off to me 
While my back was turned 

The past is so tangible 
I know it by heart 
Familiar things are never easy to discard 
I was dying for some freedom 
But now I hesitate to go 
Caught between the promise 
And the things I know


I'm just like the Israelites, painting pictures of Egypt, "leaving out what it lacked". In my mind, I visualize this utopia, this perfect place. Yes, it was wonderful--the memories that I made there, the amount that I learned, how much I grew--those things I'll always carry it with me.


But it wasn't perfect. A lot of it really stunk. I was stressed about relationships, about tests, and homework, and getting a job. Knowing that, though, doesn't stop me from wanting to go back. It wasn't perfect, but I knew what to expect. I knew what was going on, I was comfortable. And now I'm not.


The future does seem hard. I try to think of all the adventures I'm going to have, and all of the people I'm going to meet, and everything I'm going to learn, but I am stuck looking back at my past and wishing that I could go back there. When I was at Houghton, there were times that I was just ready to leave and live my life. And now that I'm at that point, I'm scared. I'm "caught between the promise and the things I know." I know the promises that God has for my life...


"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."


"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."


"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!"


...and yet I'm having a hard time claiming them.




If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?




But I'm trusting that there is a reason "behind all this time and sand."